That I was dependant ....on my Mother for food and comfort.She worked and so my Grandparents were given the job...but they had been there done that during a war no less,so I recieved the bare essentials...I looked forward to Mother coming home..Dad was missing..but I never realised I was supposed to have a Father,so I did not miss him....later when I was adopted by my stepfather I found out that children have a Mother and a Father....Still that dependant thing haunted me,I spend hours,days,weeks in the jungle trying to break from that feeling of being dependant and thereby being controlled....Then suddenly my parents were gone,I had no brothers and sisters...so there I was totally independant...it was not what I expected,exactly...how could I know without the experience of it ? This leads on through the river of my life..where I have spent many,many hours alone and now appreciate close companionship..but the river gives me solitude,so I swim in it..wishing on a star.......

What do I do ?....When ? from the time I wake up ? on any given day ? Now or before ? At night ? On the week-end ? When its sunny or when its raining ? When I am happy ? Sad ? Angry ? depressed ? blissed-out ?  Can we be more specific ? You see from the time I wake up I am doing something,everyday is different and I manage so much in my day and I can spend half the night on stuff too...so if you want the report on the whole day stick around.....would you like some tea ? A beer ?OH by the way what is it you do ?

Defining THERE would be an individual choice...personally I would drink the T and be HERE now....

It seems like just when I think I do......I don't............I continually suprise myself with re-actions to life.I am totally unpredictable and feel that this is OK. It enlarges the envelope of who I thought I was...sometimes in a positive way..and sometimes it is really a pain in the ass,....damn I thought I had a handle on that !..I never cease to amaze myself with my thought process,where does it all come from?....I do know me in many ways,in my solitude I have become my best friend and love the way I have lived my life,the razors edge has provided me a prolific amount of experience,my recklessness has thrilled me no end.Somehow I have managed to live the life I love and this in turn has given me the strength to trust ....and now I am in a merger with nature,watching new miracles daily,life and death are one here..The beauty of change is constant and as unpredictable as I am...................

Need is with me always..my body needs,oxygen,water,food...my heart needs love,my mind needs to know why....my ego has needs....I am needled sometimes beyond my ability....then I am told I am needy !...its like need is a prison and I am looking at a life sentence...I need to take a breath......how to create a way to escape ? Well...besides death.........So within this famework of need,I start to whittle it down,shave off a few of those that I might not really need,the ones that after a while dont feel right,or once I saw behind the immediate veneer,....my need was more a case of mistaken identity...more like a wanting disguised as a need..Why did I want that ?.......did I need it ?............Need the ability to ruthlessly decide what I  need.....first one is easy...Water,..this fullfils so much for me..creates the sanctury for me to let go of all my other needs...what a relief......So it is tempory,as long as I am in it I am free of need....Water being the key is what I need. It helps me to be ruthless in that it strips me naked and shows me the superfluous. Its up to me to see,in that perfect stillness it is obvious. In my human conditioning it's hard. I need so much,I can hardly keep up,I need this to do that,and dont forget this......As soon as I am in the water it stops....Guess what I need........................

Rules....even as a child I had trouble with rules,something in my core rebelled...I wanted the freedom to experience life the way I wanted,rules had restriction. So having rules in my life is out of the question. I try to be flexible and find that there is something in every moment,an obvious or hidden gift that teaches me about myself in that moment. I can choose to let it go or integrate it into my life. One has to realise that where we are and what we are experiencing is a result of our choices,either immediate or past..............being wrapped in the past serves me no purpose,I have much in front of me every moment.....projecting to far out infront sometimes sets me up to be disapointed....So to distill this question down into something palatable and come up with an answer ............Living in the now is where my life is fullest,without hope or regret.Where I am with life totally immersed....with no distractions...be here now,,,,,,,,,,,,,thank you Eckart Tolle, Michael Beckwith ,Wayne Dyer, and .....life.

that it has been interpreted by many,in just as many ways.It has keys to the universe and can help unlock some of the mystery in our lives.It is used by many to chart the way,to predict,to diagnose the human condition by when you were born...There is a mathematical dance in the heavens that science wants to prove. The possibilities are as numerous as the stars....As for this unusual Virgo....I am connecting with a heady Scorpio.....enough said.

There's that song...."I am so tired . tired of waiting..........so I just begin to do the things I love to do and somehow they fill up the day.So waiting fades away. I was once in a space of waiting for people to show up at a pre-determined time....it was harrowing not knowing why they were so late..and a waste of my time. Now at my age time is getting more precious than gold...so to waste it waiting....naaa.....That other song says,"Its my life and I 'll do what I want " so I am "Taking care of busness".......everyday...

We always had plenty;our children never cried from hunger,neither were people in want......The rapids of Rock river furnished us with an abundance of excellent fish,and the land being very fertile,never failed to produce good crops of corn,beans,pumkins and squashes........Here our village stood for more than a hundred years,during all of which time we were the undisputed possessors of the Mississippi Valley....Our village was healthy and there was no place in the country possessing such advantages,nor hunting grounds better than those we had in possession...If a prophet had come to our village in those days and told us that the things were to take place which have since come to pass....none of our people would have belived him..............................Black Hawk    (Chief of Sauk/Fox)

An outdoor kitchen,a leaded glass panel,a couple of outhouses,a post and beam building.....the who's are better as there is no-one waiting for me...Its the whats that seem to pile up.I suppose I ceated them didnt I....the whos are out of my control,but those whats...What was I thinking ?  giving myself all those projects,I like projects,so maybe by the end of summer the waiting will be over...............

the sunset was a brilliant red....slowly sinking into mauve...the full moon rose,huge and pale....as the mauve turned a darker blue...the moon became brighter....in that moment the beauty of it all wrenched my heart...and I was moved to tears..I blinked them out wondering what this was all about...I felt a pang and my heart skipped a beat..this evening vision was a treat........Something that I wanted to share,but alas no-one was here....just in this wonderful moment,I felt a stange twist,like the yin and yang....the light and dark...and somewhere in the universe a light went out....like the sun...and the bright full moon rose to light the night...I still felt stange and overcome all at once.....beauty and the beast were both around....the answer to this moment is nowhere to be found.....

That momentary glimpse....aahhh how sweet it is.Holding on to it ? No chance. My human existance in this ever changing world pulls on me,my ego pulls on me,and back I come into the life I know so well...I spend hours seeking enlightenment,meditate in my pool, read words from the masters...but I only find moments..those elusive AHA's...if I was totally there consistantly, I would have a very different life..but how ? Thats hard to say as I am not ...so it would only amount to assumptions...and I am leary of them,as they have a history of trouble for me. To be totally honest,I like the moments, as they keep me looking and all the searching is a journey in itself.

How do I syncronise the dance...how can we employ gratitude and compassion in relationship when fear is interFEARing. How do we manage to keep love unconditional..when apon inspection we find all these conditions on love,,,,..Keeping to the truth of the moment is not a simple task when fear is running rampant,old methods of coping seem comfortable and it is easy to curl up in bed and return to the safety of the womb.What about a good hard look at what is happening and being conciously courageous to want to make a change....letting go of old habits and embracing change..If we keep distracting ourselves we do lose the beat,and then mis-step the dance,stumble and loose our balance..fall off the path...loose our way...somehow the music stopped ...there is no dance....Within all this interFEARing ....can we see that interLOVEing might start a beat in the heart that sounds like music to the ears and the way to the dance is lit with the light from the stars in our eyes once again...lets dance by chance in trance..to the beat of our loving hearts....

Waterjourneys was created by two people,now there is only me.....I am finding it hard to stay ahead of all the up-keep and financial responsibilities.....There are days when I dream of parking my tiny RV on a beach in Mexico and pulling out the fishing rod and going to get some dinner.............Other times, I look around me and love what I see,river,trees and the birds are loudly singing...my heart says fight for it...you will never find this again...or be able to afford it !..............So there are times when I wonder what this benevolent universe might serve up to me....and I hope to be able to stay, find a way to play...to make it pay....find some help in anyway.........

I watched someone transform from fear into love....it was beautiful,the facial and energetic change was a phenomina......it gave me an insight to my own changes and really showed me how aging fear can be...and the extent of healing that love can bestow on us...............If love rained down on all makind would we open up as flowers in the sun ?

If I had all the time in the World.....I would incorperate and sell it by the second, buy myself a Hummer and smoke cuban cigars,have a mansion in all the cool places,arrive by jet and smile a lot.....................can I interest you in a timeshare ? I am making deals today only....because,can we count on tommorrow ? How much is all the time ?  Ummm,well I am not sure...infinite..what does that mean exactly ? That I am rich beyond my wildest dreams...I can sell forever to the highest bidder....Oh wow,someone said that time is money, so what does that make me ? Eat your heart out Bill Gates...I am now the top dog............................OK..  but wait,I am still me..dreaming again,its Gaia.....Q and R....come back....yeah...but wait some more,I've got all the time in the world...so its OK to dream..................................

It looked like rain...smelled like rain,but here was a moment of sun. A gap in the weather where I could split some wood for the hot tub for a great  soak. As I split the wood,the sun came out fully and that early Spring,flouresent green jumped out and filled my eyes.....filled me with the beauty of birth..this budding and pre-bursting....I carried the kindling to the tub and on the way I glanced at the Ginko tree..What ? it needed attention..hows that ?...........I put down the wood and went on over to the Ginko. I noticed a lichen like growth on it...I rubbed it and it came right off.  AAAHHH thank you said the Ginko,so I continued to rub the rest off,careful around the swelling buds....I squatted down and committed to taking it all off...gently rubbing....suddenly it was like someone had turned on the stereo of life and the bird songs were louder......I looked around,the sunlight had intensified the colours...I stopped and looked slowly around me...See ,,,the ginko said..You love it here,and we appreciate you,...stay...dont worry..it will be fine....I felt resolve in my heart, a renewal to fight for my existance in the forest..I stood up in the sunshine and embraced the moment...lit the fire,stirred the tub. ....The phone rang...I had my expectations..but it was not what I expected.....a shaky voice asked me what kind of a retreat this was...........Small and very quiet I said,usually I try to work one on one...but I have room for two....what are you looking for.....?  the voice trembled,I have locked myself up in the holiday  Inn,but it does not seem to working.................Why did you do that I asked ?..........................I,..I...am worried about  myself....I feel like giving up the will to live because my life is so hard.....I just want to stop..............................there are no co-incidences,how did this moment arrive in my life ?I loaded more wood on the fire and listened to myself talk to this very fragile woman....it was perfect for both of us,as the sweet scent of burning cedar drifted so did we.......into that magic state of grace...where the thoughts and words were larger than both of us....and healed ....Easter...the sunshine..the dark diminished and the light came in..........This call was the one I needed said the voice...thank you for being there......I realised that the call was for me as well....It looked like the sun was out to stay..........

Body says....stay active,LOVE me,use it or loose it......dont forget the massage,relaxing hot-tub,invigorating cold plunge,cleansing sweat.....spiritual time....eat good fresh food.....connect with another body..mmm...get good sleep..zzzzzzz

the only stable thing in this room is the desk with the computer on it.  The rest of it changes with the seasons,right now the bookshelves are full of trays and grow lights and little seedlings are popping up,getting ready for the garden and then becoming food...........sometimes vinyl records are everywhere being recorded to CD.....the remants of taxes on the sound-bed...summer fans...winter heaters...feng-shui...the ever-changing life of this room is in harmony with my creativity............thats the arrangement I have with this room......

Energetically powerful,emotionally destructive.I see it handed from one to another,in words,in feelings..pass it all around like a plague it affects everyone who touches it. I try to confront it with love and fail. I wait and listen,its old fear because I recognise it, I have seen and heard this before.Old fear,hanging on....desperate.,the old ways and old fear have a bond....they need each other. Letting go of old stuff is not easy,even if you want to...really want to....old fear shows up and spins the thoughts into reality...the spin must go on..into madness,stupid silly....maybe later to regret.......Old fear I will keep challenging you with love...everytime I see or feel you..beware my love ...yes beware my love, as you grow older,my love grows stronger,and in the light and strength of love.....old fear must surely fade......love rises like the sun and opens the blossoms in the garden. 

Wishing...I often end up wishing...that the words that had just come out of my mouth would come right back before they could be heard....wishing that love could just easily trump fear...Its that looking back to the idyllic moments and wanting them because this moment is not what was expected nor is it comfortable. Wishing happens,but does it do any good ? maybe make us feel worse,guilty..maybe if I had been smarter or more attentive this crap would not have happened..It did, and here we are..Why ?  There must be something to see here,so lets pay more attention from right now...what are the needs and wants and how can we lovingly help to create a space for it all to happen....I am paying more attention than I had..I wish to pay more attention in the future..as I find lack of attention can be costly in so many ways that I end up wishing that I had payed more attention....wishing....

My perception of time in relation to my goals...is there a need to have this quickly ?....Or can I have all the time it needs ?  I find that if I find the harmony between myself and what I want to achieve,and am in joy about the results.....It  arrives with pleasure and satisfaction and is perfect......If I have a serious time constraint then I battle..have angst...make mistakes..and have an end product that I am relieved to have...but maybe not altogether happy with...I would say the ability to relax and have fun with my goals might actually speed the process up and make for a better ending........Also..setting up an achievable goal is important,an impossible high goal is always frustrating and tangles me up and forces compromise,and then creates disappointment....which leads to trouble when I set up the next phase...give me something that creates confidence and away I go................

Did we meet somewhere before ?  I look into your eyes,deeply relaxed, I am intrigued as your face changes....many masks,yet each one strangely familiar...Suddenly there is one that stays and wrenches at my heart, I know this un-known,I feel intense compassion,I reach out to hold you as I know you are dying. I am loosing my greatest love,unbearable pain,tears rolling...........What was that ?....The room quits vibrating and we come back to the present and wonder if we have found each other again....and all the masks represent the ages and the lives we have shared..........??.....

While Dee brown's "Bury my heart at Wounded Knee" was selling nearly 20,000 copies a week, the 300 state Game wardens and Tacoma city police were vandalising the Indian fishing camp and threatening the lives of Indian women and children at Frank's Landing on the Nisqually River......It is said that men read and write history to learn from the mistakes of the past,but this could certainly not apply to histories of the American Indian,if it applies to history at all........................As Raymond Yellow Thunder was being beaten to death,Americans were busy ordering " Touch The Earth" from their book clubs,attempting to indicate their sympathy for American Indians..............And as the grave robbers were breaking into Chief Joseph's grave, the literary public was reading his famous surrender speech in a dozen or more anthologies of Indian speeches, bemoaning the fact that oratory such as Joseph's is not used anymore............................Vine Deloria,Jr from the book God is Red

I always had trouble with authority.....I had an uncontrollable urge to rebel against it,especially if it meant giving up my will. In some cases when authority was encouraging me to do my thing..it  was tolerable...The power in my life is love,I am attracted and driven by love,it energises me and fires up the creative juices. It fills my heart and makes me sing,everything is alive and harmonious when I am in love..............It is the choice that helps me make all other choices,when I choose from a loving heart I rarely regret it...To totally reclaim authority over all I do in my life is my personal goal...as I am emeshed in the system, the Bank and employers still have the privilege of pulling my strings....once I am free of that....I will dance with the stars under a moon-lit night my smile reflecting in the river.

Yes,well it is not about what if...It is,for me there is no question, After abandoning the TV and Radio and LA and CA and moving to the woods....Working alone next to a pristine river with thousands of acres of open space,I believe my frequencial vibration changed and I found myself living with the natural world.As the years went by I began to notice that there flowers and mushrooms that came up in the same spot...I began to touch the trees and whistle back to the birds...As I lay in the tub at night looking at the stars and the moon....feelings moved through me...I disapeared into the whole...I realised over time that this space had not only accepted me, but it had absorbed me....it was showing me herself and I feel totally in love.....and that love has been given back to me....there is no question that this cosmic universe is a living thing......just have to tune it in..........

So how long do we expect to be around ? Once I get that figured out I can take the aproximate age of man...based on who I belive,Oh dear big problem there....and then where do we check out in an infinite universe....what does all this matter ?? Is not the moment of greatest importance this very one...and in this very one comes a thought ....looking at how we generally act...I might veture to say .......arrested developement.....too much TV.

As I watch the lives of some of those around me I see them so busy with so many others and a myriad of projects.....they give a little to it all,spread a bit of themselves all over their busy world.............I have discovered for myself that single mindedness has a simple power.....a depth of perception that is deeply satisfying and can manifest. The scattering of oneself I am sure is also satisfying,but somehow it lacks depth,and that might be safe for some...frolicking on the surface. The deep can be dark,yet filled with treasure..........I have found in the simple life I have the time to plumb the depth which broadened my vision and enhanced my knowledge of myself,and therefore made me keener,gave me a treasure......aliveness,inner life,outer awareness.......Bringing it all to focus on a simple desire and holding that place without distraction is a meditation that once we find the joy of it.......it begins to transform the way we live and for me has become the choice...I am in relationship with this land...and my work.....and watching nature...it is love......and simply, love keeps me alive........

The word observe is unique...it has a few meanings....it seems yes we observe holidays....it also means to notice,percieve or pay special attention to....this part I can only say this for myself,after spending years in the woods this way of observing everything around me,how it is in constant change has become part of my life. Without this ability I would miss the story of what was happening,or maybe what was going to happen....the subtle clues are very important and help in making chioces all the time.....so I would venture to say that in the midst of the natural world ...yes we would naturally become observant.............................I observe that I am strictly observant to observing the observations..........The rest of us as a species...well now..that is a pandoras box....and I will say we look at things,sometimes see things...notice something...and some of us are observant......................

Love is a gift I share.Water is a gift I share. Put them together and Waterjourneys is the gift. The watery dance, the unwinding energies,the emergent still..............the vanishing,the becoming......joy,bliss,peace.........freedom..............heartspeak...peace. The smiling face and shining eyes...gifts shared,given and taken....gifts of truth spoken.