Realising the benevolence of the universe exists,even when I am broken down and suffering,finding that I create what I experience and giving that knowledge to anyone who is ready to hear it. Living the proofs,by being a witness to the changes I personally experience.By being caring and compassionate as others have been for me,and being gentle with those in anger and pain,being love as often as I possibly can and steering energy into the flow of it.....the more love we can put into the rivers of life the sweeter the water..........

There might be this sequence.....Who am I ?...Who are you ? which then leads to Who are we ? There have been thick books written,enough to fill a library on this subject..so to sum it up in a blog..time for a cosmic laugh.....who do we think we are could be the real question,as all we do is think we know....truth on this is part individual,part collective and mostly assumption..The scientific view...the biological who are we...the blood and guts,atomic carbon light form...yes we have many similarities..almost as many differences in blood types,genes,shapes,sizes,language.....cultural idiosyncrasies..in the food we eat...........Here are the common connections.....we have hearts,we need oxygen,and we need water....and food....I believe we need love....On the Spiritual level..This to me is a world of assumptions and ideas, a Josephs coat if you will..........So here I am thinking.....wow...my answer would be in part  complicated, incredible, mysterious,evolving......individual yet connected(common connections) divided as male and female physically and spiritually be both to a greater and lesser degree........In that big picture, I hear the song,I am you,and you are me, and we are all together...........sometimes we find clues on the way to solving these mysteries,my clue ........love.....When I am love I know.....

In a wildly fluctuating world of fear,financial crises,pandemics,and military terror......I asked for Peace....I asked for Awareness....I asked for Truth......I asked for Love...and the Spring came with soft rains and washed my soul,and the birth of new buds filled my heart with love and gave me  peace and I was aware of the Truth...........

At 5 years old I left Germany with my Mother and sailed to Africa,to meet a man who married my mother and adopted me.I sat in the corner of a school room for a year and learned English through osmosis,I endured much and grew...........................After high school I was drafted into the army,and taken into the SAS,given an automatic weapon and taught how to kill.......I endured much and grew........................After a year of killing I wanted out and ran away from Zimbabwe to South Africa,there I noticed political up-heavel,apartheit ......I again endured and grew................I left South Africa and sailed to Barcelona,and travelled Europe,learned to speak French and German,worked with rock bands like The Who and Pink Floyd...I grew.....decided to come to the USA and made a home in Laguna Beach,California.....I did my art became creative and dropped out and tuned in..and Grew......My parents died in their 50's,and suddenly I was alone with no brothers or sisters,and the communist government conficated all property and money......I grew....I married and had 2 children...I grew and grew some more......divorced and re-married, grew some more. Moved to Missouri from California and divorced...grew again.....Now I am sitting in the forest by the river looking around....It is Spring and everything is growing......me too......I know that I will never stop this wonderful process of growth....its not only up...its in and out,around and down and back up again,fast and slow....... it never stops...........

that stimulous cash ? wonder where it went ?.........It  looks to me like my life is somewhat of a scavenger hunt,on a daily basis making things happen with what I have infront of me.Taking the situations and creating an advantage from them. Making each moment count so as I feel the satisfaction within me and the confidence that I did my best. Even the most painful and miserable times counted, as I ended up with the knowledge that I have wonderful friends who gently guided me through my dark spaces with their loving light......Trust is something I find worthwhile,and not always easy to come by...but it plays a role in the continued hunt,as does love.....I like the idea of being LOVE the hunter, trusting he will find what he needs,which sometimes is not what I was looking for,but as I found it....realised that it was........now then,that cash ??????

I loved the place,I never thought that there would be a possibility of me being able to keep it.....When my lawyer asked me if I wanted to have it....I nodded for lack of words....I did not fully understand the debt load I was assuming,but I was able to stay in the woods,by the river....the bath house,the spa set-up,trails,gardens...yes..all good. I took out a 2nd on the house to pay off my ex-wife....and then looked at the bills and expenses to keep it all running,oh my GOD....yes I had taken a risk...I mean here I was in the middle of 800 acres on one side,400 on the other and 1200 acres of national forest on the other...what was I going to do to make money ?  the RISK was now in upper case letters,followed by PRAY......Incredible as it might be,I have managed to scrabble together the money every month,doing the retreat,carpentry,painting,making stained glass panels,massages,waterjourneys.....and going on 3 years after that Risk..I am still here,still wondering how long I can do this...as the summer comes and beside making the nut, upkeep gets heavy in the summer as I beat back the jungle and keep things manicured, and the flowers watered,garden flourishing,MOWING...I am so happy my son is coming....whew..... I am happy that I took that RISK...I look around and realise that it created inner strength and helped me to grow....and deepened my ability to love.........and gave me a reason...to live this life..i love.

The Water.........once I drop into the water I am calm...my perception sharpens,my breathing steadies...I am with myself and all ....just this moment of peaceful experience is help...and soon ideas come...things to think about,some are good,...some I dont feel I can manage...the process is helpful...the unwinding,easing myself deeper into the water....flowing,knowing that it is all part of a process anyway,and I am looking for clues as to the procedure...I feel weightless,its all as it should be...be patient the answer is in the water...yes be patient..grateful for this moment,that I have this space....to cogitate ideas...soon enough from within comes resolve...go with it...this is what I will do....and to my delight help has arrived.......

Dark grey to black skies,screaming winds....horizontal rain...tornados spinning,trees falling....What colour is fear,as we all pray that it is not our turn...and pray for those whose trees now lay broken and the houses that are torn apart...what colour is devastation ? It is an angry wind howling,a vicious rain biting and dark clouds roiling and swirling and nature is telling me that we are insignificant......What colour is it....despair in the forest,fresh leaves stripped,flowers broken,anger in the garden,why ??  This is the way of the storm....I am blessed,no damage,I am in gratitude....I am thankful....my colour is purple........

This one in particular...is very reflective...so many similarities,we notice them constantly..how did you know ?  Its like kissing a mirror...simultaneous action..re-action..reponses...I know you/me.........the child deep within speaks to the child hidden...we are so alike...is this for healing ?.....Trust,love,respect,consideration..be gentle.....there are deep wounds, this is a divine union,pure in connection...what is the reason ? no need to question...like water it flows...always returns to the source,love......this one is a mirror, reflecting the truth....no escaping it, the beauty,the fear...the light and the dark..growing in reflection..being better..bigger..this is real,this is now,this is .......us. one together....one reflection,can you see ?

As I have gotten older the run has become a stroll, from the memories of my past,my youth...to the future,the fading of myself...greeting the inevitable death of my physical self...and on the way taking the time to smell that sweetness of the moment...expanding the now for all its worth..it will all come and it will all go..no rush..this moment though...this is the treasure..right now..i love this moment..I smile,I feel,I am in this moment love...full,peaceful,thankful...and slowly,into the next moment....no need to run,it comes on its own,freely...inevitably..

The aspects that I try to ignore,usually jump into my face when I lest expect it....I realise I am a constant work in progress. I have aspects that  are unknown at this time and will reveal themselves at some future date...Denying or rejecting just is delaying the inevitable...how long can you sweep the dust under the rug?  Dealing with it is satisfying,once we realise that is the best way,the learning curve of life requires growth,understanding and patience....forgiving ourselves for being fallable,for having a momentary lapse of reason.....I can't imagine trying to be perfect...even though I can be in the perfection of a moment....I want to learn how to love those ugly parts,nurture them,hold them in the light and see how to integrate them into who I am,accept them,take the charge off..............In my complexity,there are pieces still to examine....changes to navigate....Investigating myself through the challenges before me has become a canvas,I am painting ......

I am sensitive about the way we treat the natural world.It is not here for us to use indiscriminately,to rape forests is blatantly stupid,after all they are the lungs of our mother,scraping up landscape for endless housing developements...mining for gold and the poison it leaves behind....dumping trash in the Ocean...sensitivity becomes resentment almost..........I am sensitive how one group of humans can kill another group....for idiotic reasons.......I am sensitive to processed food.......I am sensitive to whare I live and I can feel harmony with this environment....the wildlife,plantlife and an occaisonal human......I am sensitive to the good fortune that brought me here,and the work required to stay............I am sensitive to the beautiful water that is here,and how it heals my soul,as I release the resentment to those that harm our Mother in their ignorance and greed.............I am sensitive to the power in my breath.....as I breathe peace.......in my sensitivity...I am one with nature.

I would like to go deeper into the water, love,spirit,and the forest.This is the dance,I hear the music...

Surrender to love....surrender to the need to know.....surrender to this moment....surrender to me,the thoughts spinning in my brain...surrender to fear,uncertainty....surrender to the ebb and flow......the final surrender,into the ectasy of love,the sweet heart opening,feeling free...the blessing of divine love..letting go into the light loosing oneself becoming the whole...aahh,mmmm disappearing...surrender....

The one that my heart is making,and if it is indeed a choice...not some pre-ordained situation already in my destiny.....Being in the flow of trust and not being run by fear...sometimes it is hard to decide,other times very obvious.  Making a choice powered by love,from within my heart and having a positive yes feeling wrapping it would be the choice I would like to make.....it doesnt always happen that way,sometimes the pressure of peers and finances can corner us into choices we later regret....but that is a learning curve that teaches us to be better in the future....Van Morrison said,"If my heart could do the thinking...".....yes,I believe in heart intelligence,and a wise heart full of love is what I would chose to have....

My wish is that my son,Ryan's friends had an incredible stay...that they leave inspired to return......I wish for some rain to help the garden grow....I wish for the inquiries to become guests....I wish for some time with B.....I wish that wishes become reality....wishing in the waters of waterjourneys for spiritual awakening and sacred connection...stillness and peace...love in my heart....gratitude for being...some time to play more here on Gaia......

Are you in Love ?

Every minute that I loose myself in the rapture of being one, When I experience the joy of connection. When I recognise myself in you, When I breathe that single breath and smell the sweetness of it. When those minutes are timeless...........

I asked about doing a sauna...Yes, they wanted it. Well two out of three did.....We walked the trails in the twilight,collecting wood and placing it on the side.After a while we had enough and doubled back picking it up and walking to the Sauna House.....I lit the fire in the Barrel stove and stacked a supply inside. Ryan(my son) and his friend James went on to get the water and towels............By the time we showered the sauna was hot,the pipe from the stove had a red glow...soon we were sweating.
             The first round was one of thanks to the wood, and each other for the willingness to participate. Thanks to the creator for making this rich experience possible.....The sweet scent of copal and cedar filled the space.
              The second round I offered to Ryan,and was delighted when he expressed his enjoyment being in the sauna,and thanking me for building it and having the idea to do it. In his prayers for friends and family I felt my heart swell at his deep sincerity.
              The third round was for James,and I realised that Ryan had wonderful friends...
                The final round was for gratitude,love and friendships and the importance of it........We had been sweating for over an hour, we felt great,our skin was soft and clean.....and we had aquired an appetite.Ryan being the chef that he is cooked up a tasty dinner and we fell into bed and a deep satifying sleep.....

January the 2nd to Puerto Vallarta,then a taxi down to the water, 
A boat takes us and our luggage out to the bay,
This is where the whales come to play.
Casa Grace was the place, open air,beautiful view
plenty of space.
The chance to dance to local applause,sip margaritas and eat fresh food
handing out candies,all for good cause.
Meeting my Master was crazy indeed,having a pool to play in with B..
under the moon on the edge of the sea.
This journey was cosmic,unveiling the truth,our love was exploding up through the roof.
We moved on over to Casa Cabayo,a trek through the jungle way up high-o.
The people,the Spa...it was like we wished on a star..
We wanted to stay and found an extra day...it pays to pray..oh what a beautiful bay........the perfect place to play

TAXES...I do not feel good supporting a military industrial complex that kills for cash.

CORPORATE GREED.......
On this beautiful planet there is no need,
for amassing exorbitant wealth.

T o be a member,to have a suitable or appropriate place.................
   I would have to say that this community (Gaia) has a large part of me settled in place as Waterheart,contributing my thoughts as words on certain posts and threads.
  Where I live here in the Ozark woods is where I feel an energetic belonging,a merging with my environment,a communication with the bountiful nature surrounding me.
  When I am in the Pool,I feel a belonging...a longing to be...........spiritual stardust.
  In my skin as a human being.
                     Belonging is everchanging,like a chameleon I try to fit into wherever I happen to be.............bringing a bit of my essence to the existing.....................