To be a good steward of this 20 acre garden.
 To bring awareness of the natural world to people.
 To be love.
 To stay focussed on these things.

to put it in context of a Hai...................

  LOVE

Trust is both easy and difficult.
 Trust is destroyed by suspicion.
Trust is enhanced by love.
When my mind begins to weave the web of suspicion,I can find ways to justify that trust has been compromised. There will be evidence,lack of comunication,body language,these attitudes play into the mind-set and distrust moves in and other negative patterns begin to birth themselves.
 When love is present and my heart is open,trust is present.The energy of trust is peaceful,beautiful and radiant.I feel a spiritual glow in everything and I am energetic.
  I believe that I spend most of my time in trust, but every so often I am tested,it is here that I am learning to trust the test......

Be Love.

Curious.inquisitive,questioning,searching, what is it all about ?.

Is this me ? or is it as others see me ?

Is curiosity just an intense form of interest ? I am curious to know.

How it works,what it is,why is it ? I am curious to know.

What is love,where does it come from, what is the purpose ? I am curious to know.

What is it that drives me to be this spirit in the forest ? I am curious....

I am interested in how things manifest and why, I am interested in interaction and the outcome,I want to develope my sensitivity and sit silently in the woods and notice my disapearance. I am curious about things I usually dont notice. I am curious about free flowing water,free flowing thoughts, merging myself with my surroundings..merging with love,becoming the love in everything. I am curious and maybe some notice and others do not.

I believe I am curious and so I am.

There was a buzz at breakfast,a clean-up,setting up tables and chairs a prettying up of the rec-room. Visitor day,this was the weekly connection to family,something to break the monotony so prevalent in our existance. We had to ask permission for showers and they gave some of us safety razors,most of us ended up looking pretty good. There were a few for whom the world was dark and forboding still,meds did not help nor did we,these few stayed in their rooms, sometimes eating mostly not.

Shortly after lunch the visitors began arriving. After signing in they came to the rec room and sat chatting. Some animated,some terse and some just doing their duty and not really wanting to be in this room full of crazies. I sat near the window with a magazine in hand as a cover,but I was looking at the families,feeling the ones with true compassion,and seeing the love passing in ways that created healing for the unfortunate member locked in here. I saw Red sitting with his mother,both teary eyed,holding hands on the table. He was being earnest,she was tender. Others were just telling news,their eyes darting all over the room looking for clues as to what went on,sometimes a sideways glance at me full of uncertainty. No-one held my gaze,I felt a bit of power rise up in me,madness had its virtue.

 I heard my name called,in suprise I went to the desk to see who it might be. My dear friends Dan and Kate,they had just returned from Florida,listened to their answer machine and a message had said that I had been committed. They were worried. We sat at the table I had previously occupied. I told the story. I found their sincerity choked me up, soon we all had damp eyes and I began to realise I was far from free. I held their hands and expressed my gratitude. Rick came in and sat at the table,Larry and Laurel came in,I had a full table.  Everyone was in dis-belief that such a thing had happened. No-one knew the where abouts of Sara. The out come of all this was totally unpredictable. I began to contemplate my future, it did not sit too well. Being locked up in the ward was going to be on my record,and would not look good for any future endeavours. My confidence was sinking,what was going to happen ? I wondered what the protocol was for me trying to get out tomorrow. The news had spread. I had been abusive,violent and suicidal...I could not believe it. I tried to explain,no need they said...but that was just a handful of friends. What about the rest of the community, what are they going to think about the rumours and how will they react to me in the future? I was spinning,deep in my mind,I looked at my friends but did not hear all their words,fear was distracting me,sucking me into its vortex.

As quickly as they came visiting hours were over,and here we were sitting with our thoughts. Sifting through the news. Red came over,
"Hey man,you had a table full of friends..cool,my mother is going to try and get me out next week "
"Thats great, I have to get out too,gotta get back to the house and take care of things" I said absently. Red must have noticed my distraction and moved off. I walked back to my room layed on the bed and let my mind run. This was problematic,if I did not get out who was at the property ? Where was Sara ? Why the bullshit story about violence and abuse ? Well I remembered Sara was giving classes in non-violent comunication and if I raised my voice just a little, it was abusive. Something was not sitting right,I thought of Joe and his smirky attitude and wondered if somehow he did not fit into this.

 Dinner arrived and my nervous stomach did not want much. I refrained from the walk to the disapointment of the crew,but mood swings happened here on a regular basis and everyone took it in stride. I went to the desk and said  I needed to be knocked out, my mind was on the rampage. The nurse complied with my request and within the hour my world had turned to black.......


to be continued.....

After careful trimming,revealing the stones and leaving some cush,I could not resist.

I put away the tools,as I walked out of the shed,the sky darkened,a cool wind blew up the valley.

The tops of the trees began to wave,from behind them dark clouds were roiling,claps of thunder,intermitant.

I began to walk in. It looked beautiful.The ground vibrated to the rolls of thunder now persistant.

I walked in,went inward,came outward to check the magnifigance of the clouds. Huge,swirls,slow. Some fast. Brilliant white covered in greys,so many shades.The heavy dark hanging.

Nearby lightening strikes down,crackling. Heaven is moving,the Gods are speaking.I feel primitive.Going inward.Toward the center,I feel strong.

Standing in the center I look around at the fantasy display,the wind is blowing. The air is sweet,negative ions calm me under the violent skies. I stand absolutely still.

A soft rain begins to fall,a patch of blue sky reveals herself. Motion,I welcome it and move outward,noticing I am wet. I am washed,refreshed. I am love.

My tongue was thick and dry in my mouth,my eyes glued shut,I really did not feel like opening them. Muffled voices out in the corridor. My eyes opened to the gray interior,early light on the curtains,I threw back the sheet and sat on the edge of the bed.

To-day was the test,I would present my case to the doctor. I rubbed my eyes,stood up and stretched,felt the blood rushing through me. I opened the door,leaned against the jamb. The week-end crew were leaving and the real crew was coming in.All new faces, Then to my surprise a face I knew,a friend,I watched her coming up the corridor. She glanced at me,stopped and looked at me,
"what.....what are you doing here ? Oh my God,are you OK ?"
" Sara put me here with some help from our therapist..." I explained what had happened while Sandy stood there with an incredulous look on her face.
"I will do whatever I can to get you out" she said,and I was grateful to have her on my side.

After breakfast and meeting the new nurses I asked if I could clean up,permission was granted and I even managed to get a fresh uniform. I mentioned to the head nurse that I wanted to see the Doctor as soon as possible,she smiled said I was on the list. I went to the rec room and sat with Red and a few other guys,I drifted in and out of the conversation lost in my own thoughts. The fears and doubts playing havoc with my confidence.
" Ralph Pitt...to the desk please" I jumped up and strode up to the desk.
 "The doctor will see you in room 107"
"Thank you ! " I knocked on the door.
"Come in"  I opened the door and shut it behind me. I turned and looked at the Doctor.
"Please,sit down" she said,and I sat opposite her. Her easy smile relaxed me.I had always liked East Indians from my days in South Africa.
We talked about how I had come to be here,I told her that I thought both Sara and the therapist,who was really an RN and I did not know how much training she had had,but she was Sara's choice, had over reacted.
The Doctor informed me that Sara was no longer in the country.It seemed she was in England and they had no way of contacting her.
"Where does this leave me ?" I asked.
"We will have a conversation you and I " said the Doctor,and we did. We covered an assortment of topics and I put in the fact that bills needed to be paid,Dog needs to be fed, lawns mowed,gardens tended and if Sara was in England who else but me was going to do this.....
"I am going to have to talk to the judge and have him rescind the original order,at the soonest you will be out by tomorrow afternoon."
"thank you very much,I so appreciate this !"
"You will go to treatment,once a week and I am putting you on Celexa,a mild anti-depressant"
"Yes,thats fine" I said elated. I stood up and left the room.I was getting out.Going home. One more day in this box..

After lunch we all had a two hour session with the therapist. After thirty minuites I was the only one awake,He told me it was the meds and total lack of comprehension.I told him his talking style was pretty tecnical,and not easy to follow. The psycological reasons for taking drugs,loosing hope,getting drunk were beyond most  who were already deep into their addictions. The heavy medications also did not help.

At dinner I approached Red and told him I was getting out in the morning.He said sadly that he had been denied and had to spend some more time here. They had concluded he was still too unstable.  We played cards with the cute nurses and distracted ourselves. I paid my last visit to the med station,where they also started me on the anti-depressants...

Tomorrow seemed a long way off as I lay on my bed wondering what I was going to do. Why had Sara gone back to England,what about Joe ? How was I going to make ends meet ? Somewhere in the maze of endless questions my mind ran out of gas........




to be continued

I expect that what I totally believe in,will manifest.
I expect that I will continue to experience.
I expect love.
I expect to grow old.
I expect to enjoy this journey until my final breath.

I woke up feeling happy and scared. It was an unusual feeling,that bit of fear lingering on the edges of my happiness. That piece of the un-known future that had some dark corners that I was going to have to look at. I wanted to focus on my release and being back in the woods.
       The breakfast cart rolled by,the smell of coffee dragging me out of my room,one thing good was I could just get out of bed and show up in the rec room,everyone else did the same. There was hair all over the place,sleepy eyes and big yawns.Wrinkled clothes and stretching bodies,no pretense here.
    I was going home,everyone knew it and they wished me well.I noticed a little envy in some and others wanted the safety of this place. I was done,it had been an experience like no other,there were some twists in human behaviour that left me wondering how on earth one came to this space, where fantasy and reality collide in a ball of confusion leaving the owner spinning and wondering about what was next. Sometimes totally reliant on medication just to keep it manageable. Trying to work with the Psycologist to unravel the mystery of altered brain functions.
   
I sat with Red for a while,told him he was welcome to come down and visit if he had the time. Hoped he would be out soon.We talked about mood swings and how we could be calm and relaxed and then suddenly be triggered by some little bullshit thing and become so agressive and angry. That was always a problem,and a nurse would show up with a pill and some water.

I was called to the desk,my release was aproved and I asked to make a phone call. I called Rick and he was happy to pick me up. I was given back my clothes and I dressed,turned in the uniform and sat on the benches by the desk waiting.
It did not take Rick very long as he worked nearby. I said my farewells,walked out and down the stairs,out into the parking lot and squinted in the bright sun..aahh freedom.

The drive home looked more beautiful than ever,and I was elated when we turned into the driveway.
"Thanks Rick,that was so kind of you"
"No worries neighbour,let me know if you need anything...OK ? "
"I'll call you later,take care "
 I watched him drive off and let myself in the house. I noticed someone had been there,small items were missing,Sara's personal stuff. I walked into the office and turned the computer on............nothing,no reaction.I looked closer at it and noticed the screws were not on. I removed the case and saw why it was dead,she had taken the hard-drive.  Oh shit,there was everything on that,all my software,clients,print outs, fuck...she was out to kill it.I had no way of doing anything,what was she thinking? She was really out to get me,my head started to spin,the bills were coming in and now I had find a way to make a lot of money. Waterjourneys was dead,AquqEst was dead,it looked like our relationship was dead. I had no way of contacting her. This was not good,suddenly I had a rush of fear and the safety of the ward was looking good.        I stood dead still and felt helpless,it was a frozen moment where my vulnerability was way too apparent,that feeling of wanting to be dead laughing at me from the fringes,taunting me,showing me how useless I was at that moment........





to be cotinued

Grateful to have it.

I am on the brink of a dream.

Watching with interest.

Feeling so much love.

living in the beauty of the Natural World.

I walked back into the living room and felt that things had changed,but somehow could not put my finger on what it was. I looked around,the knives were gone,I had antique ceremonial knives from Africa hanging above the kitchen,now there was an empty space.I opened the kithchen drawer,lo and behold,the knives were gone. I began to think,someone had been here while I was away. I went upstairs,the shotgun and the 22 were gone. I was hit by the realisation that Sara had removed everything that I could possibly kill myself with. I sat on the bed in disbelief,this had morphed beyond any truth. This was hysterical,I laughed and bordered on tears.I had no idea of the outcome.

 I checked the bathroom,the scissors were still there,I took one of my anti depressents and hoped for a miracle. I looked in the mirror and scared myself,I could see the scars of stress and the lines of fear. I needed a shave. The familiar act of shaving brought me back,and as I washed off the soap saw a face I preferred.
Back in the kitchen I hunted for some food,eating would help,though without my old sushi knife I lost interest in making something and ate chips and salsa.

Out on the deck,a light breeze was blowing,I looked at the fish swimming up stream and thought about myself faced with this unknown. I would have to find a way to earn some money. The retreat was dead,I had no way to check emails,or send them.
I sat there letting my eyes see and my mind drift on the breeze,giving myself a moment to be still. Yes,that was the phone ringing,I found it and answered.
"Waterjourneys,good afternoon."
" Hi Ralph, this is Steve,Jane and I would like you to come over for dinner."
"Hey,that would be great,love to see you.Would between 5 and 6 be OK ? "
"Perfect,see you then ! "
So I would not have to cook for dinner,I was happy.Steve owned a micro brewery and made fantastic beer.This was a good begining to my new life.

I called Sandy to thank her for anything she had done to influence my release.She mentioned that a Doctor we both knew, Clara, was looking for some help remodelling an old victorian.I was very interested. Sandy also mentioned that she and Dave would like to come for aquatic bodywork,when did I have the time? I told her that anytime they liked would work for me.OK,she would check with Dave.  I waited a minute and then called the Doctor.
" Hi Clara,this is Ralph Pitt and I understand you are looking for some help?"
"Hi Ralph,yes I hired some guys but they are making a huge mess of things and I am not happy with them at all. I heard about your visit to the hospital,are you alright ?"
"Well I think so,but I really need to work as the spa is over,done finished,Sara shut it down.So maybe we can visit and talk about your remodel ?"
"Yes,why don't you come into the office in the morning,and we can chat,infact if you come at lunch we can go over to the house and I can show you what I want."
"Sounds good Clara,I will see you tomorrow. Bye."
"Bye,and take care."

Things were turning,OK I can do this.It was not the first time in my life I had clawed my way out of a deep hole. I changed my clothes and hopped in the truck. It was always a good feeling sitting in my truck,we had a huge history,hundreds of thousands of miles,my dear friend.She started right away. Driving through the forest I realised what a beautiful part of the world this was.Hardly anyone out here if I saw another car on the way to the brewery it would be a suprise. I turned at the sign and drove down the dusty road to the house,hidden amoungst majestic oaks and parked next to Jane's extensive garden. I walked past the old barn and up to the deck,up the stairs and Steve was there at the door.
"Hi Ralph,come on in !"
"Thanks Steve" I walked in and Jane smiled from the kitchen,things were cooking and it smelled great.
"Would you like a beer ?" Steve said.
"Please" I answered and wondered how many times in his life he had asked that question. He returned with two glasses,
"I just happend to have some IPA here" I was elated,my favourite beer,we clinked glasses "Cheers" we said in unison and I took a long drink,oh I had missed this......



to be continued........

Sitting there with the the strong hoppy finish in my mouth,I wanted another cool swallow,this was beer !
 Jane served up a tasty  dinner that was made from the garden and meat from a local grower. This was the beauty of living here,we did not have to visit a supermarket and the food was all organic. Even the beer was fresh,and flowing as Steve brought me a refill. I found out that Sara had stayed with them,and the night I came home she had been there with her brother in law,who had flown out from England.  This was deeper than I had imagined.

Anthony and I did not see eye to eye...I mean he always wore this grey sweat shirt that said MIT on the front. I had asked him if he had attended the prestigious university and he had said no. This left me wondering why he wore the thing every day ?? Was he trying to impress someone ?? There were many times he just would be arrogant and self centered,I mean yes he was a doctor,and he married Sara's sister who was also a doctor and they lived in the swanky house and he waltzed about singing opera,why did he need the sweat shirt ??

So the story was that Anthony had arrived to rescue Sara from big bad Ralph who was going to be locked up for his own safety. But who might be rather angry upon his release..So the dilema of what to do. Enter mighty Ant of MIT,with a ticket for the fair Sara to return to the family fold,safe and sound.

I sat there sipping that great beer,digesting the good food and the bad news.
"Oh by the way we have some of your stuff," said Steve,"come out to the barn and I can give it to you". I followed Steve out to the barn,he went to a shelf and hauled down a bunch of stuff wrapped in a blanket.
"I think this is a bunch of knives and a couple of guns".
"Oh yeah,stuff I might have killed myself with,I just find this shit so over the top,I mean she gave me a knife as a gift for being there for her vision quest..it was in my drawer,there were machetes in my studio,there is more glass than I know what to do with,What the fuck was she thinking,or was she playing this to the hilt ??".
"Sometimes things just get out of hand,I also think she was somewhat influenced by that brother of hers" Steve was being diplomatic,he was good at that,he owned a brewery.
" I don't think she will last in England,she does not like living with her family."
"Do you think she will come back here?"
"Well there is this Joe guy that I have reason to believe she is connecting with,I told Kevin about it and he thinks I am full of it,but we will see."
"Yeah,time will tell,how about another beer?"

I knew that I could savour one more,and drive home on the back road through the forest in the moonlight,slow and easy. We changed the topic and talked about the garden,the rain,a little politics,king george and his band of thieves and then Steve brought out his banjo and I played an old frame drum and we had a great finish on the evening.

As I drove home through the woods I began to wonder who was mainly responsible for the escalation of this hollywood script,as the lights of my truck lit up the dirt,the potholes and the trees,it just seemed so absurd. Well,I was going to get on with things,I needed to make some money and get on with caretaking the land.  I drove up the driveway Solly,my dog was prancing in the headlights,happy to see me. Someone was.The empty house was eerie and I felt empty,even though I had had a great meal and a few good beers,Something did not sit well here,an energetic that was reaching out to me,trying to tell me something,it was a language I almost understood. I lay on the bed and asked for more clarity,even as the unraveling had begun................


to be contiued

The morning light streamed into the bedroom.I had slept well,good beer. I stretched and stood up,gathering my thoughts.
What was I going to do ? Get busy with Clara's job and let the rest take its place,for me to try and work this out would overload me. I called Clara,
"Hi Clara this is Ralph and I was thinking that I would like to look at your project today"
"Hi Ralph,that sounds great, meet me at my office at noon and we can go over there and I will show you what I want. How are you doing ?"
"I am managing,I think the Celexa is helping to keep me level.."
"Great,I will see you at noon "
I hung up the phone,and went upstairs to shave. I dressed and came back down and put some granola in a bowl and added some yogurt. The phone rang, I picked it up.
"Hello waterjourneys"
"Ralph,this is Sara,I want to talk to you"
"OK I am here"
"What I did was for your own safety,I was really worried and I just could not go on like we were......"
"Sara are you forgetting the conversation we had by the labyrinth,before I left for Albert and Dot ?"
"Well it was more than that.."
"I think you were influenced by Mau,and maybe a few others..."
"No,I did it because I was worried for you !"
"Why dont you come home and we can work this out ?"
There was a long hesitation on the line,
"No I think that we need to sell the place and move on,we just can't sustain it and besides I dont think I can come back just yet...."
"Sara,just think about it awhile,I am sure we can make it. This is such a beautiful piece of land,we will never find anything like it again,never mind afford it. !"
"I have to go now,  bye bye,and take care of yourself"
"Bye"
I hung up,worried,it had sounded like Sara was not too interested in saving this land or relationship..Let it go for now and go to town,see Clara.

I drove the winding road through the forest into town. Around the by-pass and turned into the Medical Center. I parked and walked to the entrance of the neurology dept.At the desk I told the receptionist that I had an appointment with Clara.
"go right in she is expecting you" the lady smiled.
"Thank you" I smiled back,and realised the act of smiling made me feel good.
Clara's door was open and I walked in.Her office was a library of medical books,psycological books,stacks of paperwork. Art hung on the remaining wall space and light peeked in from behind the blinds.
"Well hello Ralph,want to take my car ?"
"Good idea,you have air-conditioning !"
Clara smiled and I smiled,this was good. We drove through town to her house and past it on the same street was a victorian on a very large lot with amazing trees.
"This is it,I want to fix it up and either rent it or sell it."
"It's quite a place,plenty of potential" I said,seeing that it did need a bit of help. We went inside and she showed me around and pointed out all the bad workmanship. I said that I could take care of it and not to worry.I was elated to have the work,there was quite a bit and it gave me some breathing room. We shook hands and then she gave me a hug.
"Thanks Ralph "
"No, thank you Clara,you have no idea..."
"Yes I do,and I am happy that we can help each other !"
We drove back to her office where she wrote me a check to get me started,I thanked her again and drove over to the bank. I parked on the square and walked into the cool,spacious building.
"Hi Ralph"
"Hi Jenny,how are you today ?"
"Just fine,what can I do for you ?"
I walked over to the counter,and asked her to deposit the cheque.As usual,I had no deposit slip,but Jenny was used to me and diligently wrote one out.I asked for the balance in my account thinking that I now had enough to pay the bills. Jenny told me that all that was there was the amount of the cheque,and that would only clear tomorrow.
"What !" I was stunned,I felt sick to my stomach.
"How did that happen ?"
"The money was removed by computer,through Pay-pal I believe "
I realised that Sara still had access to the banking,she had done it all online with the computer and now she had the hard drive up and running in England.
"Are you OK ?" asked Jenny,
"No " I replied,I backed away from the counter and walked out in a daze,Stood in the hot sun in disbelief.Why would she do this to me? Lock me up in the mad house and now empty the bank account when I desperately need the money. What was she doing.......




to be continued...........

It was as if I had been in a bubble,the sound of cars and life on the square burst it and came streaming in. I needed to act right now. She was going for my throat,no mercy being shown. I turned around and walked back into the bank.
"Forget something ?" said Mary,looking at me hesitantly,probably my demeanor was showing.
"I need to talk to Deanna,pretty urgent !"
"I will call her on the phone" Mary made the call and then nodded to me,I walked to right of the bank to a wall of offices,Deanna was waving me in. I opened the door,walked in and sat down with Deanna,surrounded by her family photos.
"What can I do for you Ralph ?"
"Here is my situation, Sara just took $2000.00 out of our account and bankrupted me. I think we are seperating and I will have to set up an account of my own so she does not have access to money I am putting in to it."
"We can do that, do you want to do that now ?"
 "Yes, that would be great,and what about the 2nd we took,the money is sitting there,can either of us access it ?"
 "Yes,you or Sara could take the money anytime,I think the interest rate on it would be 10 per cent,variable."
 I thought about that while Deanna organised me with a new account. That would mean I had to come up with a big chunk of extra cash to hold onto the 2nd in my name. It would be the only way I could pay off Sara her share of the equity..mmnn

"Here you go Ralph,I have a new account for you, what else ?"
"I would like to put the second in my name "
"Do you want all of it ?
"Yes",at that moment I had a thought,what if I put it in a six month CD,how much interest would it earn ?
I asked, "What if I put it all in a CD for six months ?"
"Oh you would get about 5 percent interest"
"That would mean I would only have to pay 5 per cent interest on the money,that I borrowed to put in a CD that made 5 per cent."  Deanna smiled,
"Yes that would right."
 Somewhere I was loosing,but winning in another way,
"OK lets do it."
We did that transaction and I was begining to feel safer,I was signing the papers when Julie came into the office saying she had Sara on the phone from England and she was trying to get her hands on the 2nd. Deanna shook her head and pointed to me,Julie nodded and left to go back to her office and break the news to Sara.

This time I walked out of the bank feeling better. I was about to climb into my truck when a thought flashed trough my head...Lawyer....I looked over at the old victorian house that housed the lawyer my friend had recomended. I walked over and went in through the leaded glass doors.
"Hello.may I help you ?" the receptionist was peering over her glasses,
"Yes I would like to talk to James please."
"Do you have an appointment ?"
"No,but I would like to set something up ."
"Oh,you are in luck,he will be free in about five minutes,What is your name ?"
She called him and arranged for me to chat with him in a few minutes.I sat down and began reading a magazine.Her phone rang and she answered it, I watched as she wrote down something on a pad,she hesitated and said to her friend at the next table,
"There's some woman from England trying to talk to James !"
"Her name is not Sara by chance is it ?" I asked,she looked at her notepad,
"Yes it is" she said raising an eyebrow at me.
"I believe we have a conflict of interest " I said and went on to explain.
"I will have to run this by James " she whispered,and told Sara that she should call back in fifteen minutes. She called James and told him the details and then looked at me,
"You may go in "

James's office was like the library,only there were pictures of his Harleys and an old Indian,he liked bikes.I told him of my Morini,and we shook hands.I filled him in on the history and the possibility that Sara and I were getting a divorce.
"So she is in England ?"
"Yes" I said,"I am looking after the house,doing the yard work and paying the bills"
"Do you want the house ?" he asked me smiling
"Ah,yes,why not,yes I would like to have the house,it is a beautiful place !"
"You know here in Missouri posession is 9 tenths of the law...she's in England,you get the house,now,you wanna kick some ass ?"
I looked at James and smiled. We made arrangements to meet again and get things started. I walked out of the office and crossed the street,jumped in my truck and sat there.

This had been a strange series of moments,I had somehow been a moment ahead of Sara. Well heck I deserved something,she had had the upper hand for a while and now the scales were shifting in my favour. I started the truck and headed back to the river.I still had to figure out what I was going to do to replace the money.
I felt hopeful as I drove down the gravel road into the holler and past the big spring,over the low concrete bridge. I looked at the field,it was healthy,fence needed a little work,someday I would get there. I turned into the driveway,it was beautiful when it was freshly mowed and the flowers were colourful. Solly was prancing as usual. I walked into the house,it was nice and cool.I looked at the phone,it was blinking,a message.

I picked up the phone and dialed the mailbox,I had one new message,I waited.
"Ralph,this is Antony,you better do the right thing and put that money back.It was Sara's money too you know.You dont want to get involved with Lawyers,you cant afford it.You better just sell the place,split the equity and put the 2nd back....if you know what is good for you !" Click,the phone went dead,end of message.This was great,old Antony having a fit because I beat her to the money,Well I was paying to have it sit there in my name. Screw you I thought,this is where that MIT sweatshirt aint gonna help.............





to be continued........

I am older than they were. They died in their early 50's and I realise now that they were young.

The evening Sun was creating a beautiful glow as I stepped out on the patio. I walked around the back,the tall trees had a sparkle on their leaves and reflected the glow. Walking past my studio,the windows lit up,and the pieces of glass I stacked on the mullions were also reflecting their individual colours. I stopped and looked around,the natural beauty around me in this moment struck a chord deep in my heart.
 The tears caught me by surprise,but I welcomed the relief. It was a crazy world at times,who would have thought it would come to this. I walked down the blurred driveway to the mail box,through my tears there came a mass of colour and I just allowed myself this moment. What was happening ? This was all so un-expected. I thought back to how it might have been different,where could it have been changed to be better,to be saved through meaningful conversation.

I found myself on the gravel bar infront of the spring on the other side of the river.I saw the minnows flashing to me in the remaining light. I had missed the mail box.
 I squatted down,looking at the mass of maiden hair ferns coming up around the spring and felt a sudden peace within me. I took a deep breath and felt myself drop into this space.

A sacred energy filled me. How many had squatted here in the past ? Long before the European invasion. Long before money,land ownwership,fences,taxes,lawywers and concrete.  I closed my eyes,listened to the riffles whispering to me,interupted by the evening song of birds and cicadas.

What should I do ? I asked the Grandfathers and Grandmothers who had gone before me.I loved this land as they had,but times were different now. The requirements were not the same. I needed money,had buildings to maintain...suddenly I just wanted to be done,it seemed to me that the world had taken a wrong turn and was heading down some egotistical highway. Or rather,man had taken the wrong turn. What happened there in the garden of Eden ? Man ate from the tree of knowledge and was banned from the Garden,I saw it in a flash,our egos,the industrial revolution,money,greed,corporate dominance and total estrangement from the natural world.......Yes we were banning ourselves from the garden,which already had so many amazing treasures in it,in fact everything to sustain life. What on earth were we doing ?

The riffles sounded more like voices than ever,I heard the sound of laughter and smiled to myself.It was healing. That was why I was here,to bring healing to those seeking it in the natural world. Nature has the power to restore us to the garden,this was my mission. I was flooded with light,it felt like angelic affirmation, I was being shown my purpose here. I stood and opened my arms,I breathed in the fresh air. I felt the honour of being a steward.The evening mists were approaching from big spring and rolling towards me and the house,this wonderful mini bio region was working its magic.

I was light hearted and determined as I stopped at the mailbox on my way back to the house. A handful of bills brought me back to other realities. At the house,I removed my shoes and went in. I called Clara..
"Hi Clara,I don't know if you can help me,but Sara cleaned out my account and I desperately need money to pay the bills...."
"How much do you need ?"
"At lest $2000.00"
"OK, I can do that,and you will have to work twice as hard.."
"Oh Clara,thank you so much,you have no idea how much this means to me......and the garden..."
"The garden ?"
"Just some thoughts I was having a few moments ago.I will be there first thing in the morning to pick up the check,then I will begin installing the base boards and the trim around the windows,thank you so much."
"No problem Ralph,I am glad we can help each other,see you in the morning.
"Good-bye"

I sat in the grey light,with a warm heart. This might all work out. I looked in the refridgerater to see what I could cook up for dinner. I loved cooking,and chopping always calmed me and brought me to the present moment............





to be continued......................

That morning I was up early,making coffee and having my granola and yoghurt. I shaved and dressed in some work clothes went downstairs and put on my work boots. This was an old routine and stirred memories of days spent in California,building houses with Sam and the crew. It was like being with family,we worked and ate together. Sam and I would share a motel room at times if we were far from home. It also reminded me of building the bath house,only that was a solo effort,oh so many times I wished for help,but had to make do with a clamp and ingenuity. Those cold winter days when my fingers burned in the cold but I had no choice but to continue. All the silly things that tried my patience,and I challenged God to bring it on,give me your worst,I could take it....

Well maybe this was a new day, it felt like I was still having the struggle,but there was some hope. I jumped in the truck.
"Hello old friend" I said,realising that I had spent years sitting behind the wheel,looking out over the hood. It started right up and I backed out of the drive way.

There was not much traffic and I was in town within the half hour. I parked in the lot of the medical building. Clara was waiting.
"Hi Ralph,I am sorry that you are having trouble with Sara,you both seemed like the perfect couple."
"Well I guess we fooled a lot of people,we had been struggling for a while.I always thought we might manage to get past it,but she met a man and began to set up living with him and I suppose it made it easier to leave."
"Well you will be OK, here is the check,let me know if you need anything."

I left the office and drove to the bank,deposited the money and then headed over to the house. I began to measure the base boards,cut them and nail them in place.
I enjoyed working,it took my mind off everything and brought me into the present moment. Before I knew it most of the day had gone by. I stopped and looked the place over. I noticed that two sets of closet doors had not been hung and wondered why.I measured the openings and there was my answer,the opening was too small and no-one wanted to cut the doors down that much. There were many other problems that required thinking it through and making it work in a non conventional way,I was good at that and maybe that was why I was there.

The week shot by,I hardly noticed. On Friday I had a call from the Lawyer,
"Hey Ralph, Sara is back in town and wants to pick up her personal belongings,this week-end. Is that OK with you ?"
"AAhh,yes,I guess so.."I was a bit taken aback,I had not really thought of Sara since I began working.
"We will begin the divorce this next week,come in and we will talk about it,and you can settle the money issue with me."
"OK that sounds good to me" I said distractedly,thinking about where Sara could be staying. Maybe she is with Joe already.

When I arrived home I began looking around at all the things that were Sara's and realised the house was going to be bare. Keeping the retreat going seemed even more remote.I found myself slipping into a dark space,a hopelessness filled me.
How long was I going to be able to keep this up? I had to work all day and come home and work again on maintaining the trails picking up dead wood,mowing the endless lawns,upkeep on the buildings. I exhausted myself thinking about it. I became suddenly despondent. I lost the desire to eat and found some rum,I drank it from the bottle and stared aimlessly into space until I put the empty bottle down and layed on the couch.I passed out.

I was startled by the phone ringing.....
"Hello waterjourneys"
"Ralph,this is Sara and I would like to come and get my things."
"That would be fine,are you coming now?"
"Yes,I will be there in an hour."
I went upstairs and showered,shaved and tried to be presentable.

A grey car came slowly down the driveway and stopped. Antony got out from the drivers side and Sara from the other. No smiles,it looked serious. I said nothing and allowed them in.They had brought flat boxes and tape,Antony was making them up as Sara went from room to room taking her things.I watched,a deep feeling of pain began welling up inside me.The finality was here,our dream was over and I had no plan.I watched Sara,she was also in pain,everything she took hurt us both.I could see her looking out at the trees,the river....I could feel her heart breaking,I realised that tears had begun streaming down my face,my nose began to run. I just let it be and felt it. Then we looked at each other and stopped,just looked. No words passed,but we were opened up to our past and the fleeting moments of our history bruised my mind.I had to blow my nose.

We both cried for the duration of the packing,Sara left more than I expected.I gave her a stained glass window that I had made in celebration of our marraige. It was harder than I expected,our attachments were being ripped apart,it hurt. The love we had shared was still very apparent,why this divorcing of ourselves from not only ourselves but from this noble dream we shared? I felt empty,it was like my spirit had left and gone else where,it did not want to endure this. Finally the trunk was full and the back seat was piled as high as it would go. Antony had said nothing. Sara walked out of the house and over to the Labyrith,I followed her.She walked to the middle and stood there shaking with grief,I went to her and just hugged her and felt overwhelming compassion,mixed with sorrow and confusion. She was sobbing.I held her tightly,she held me back.For the first time in years we shared a most beautiful hug,we shared our tears on each others cheeks and I did not want to let go. We stood in the center and let it all move through us,to the inevitable ending,the hug getting lighter,softer,us moving apart,one last look,seeing the grief in each others eyes,blurred by tears and that heavy ache in my heart was almost too much. I watched her walk to the car and Antony drove off.

I sat down,and felt like I was floating in another reality,this did not feel real. What next ? I walked,slowly to the house and went in. I was hit with another wave of loss. Oh God, why did it have be this way? I really thought that this time it would work,but here I am again....alone and wondering.....................


to be continued

The house had empty spaces were once a piece of beauty had been The gaps in the flow were obvious,I sat on the couch,it just felt like my space had been raped. It was not comfortable and I squirmed in the space and within myself. I stood up and began pacing the floor,I wanted something to happen.I thought about calling someone but did not know what I was going to say..I made the decision to go out into the Bath house.

As I walked into the bath house I felt different,this was my space. I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower. The water was like magic,cleansing me,washing off the pain,dissolving the memories,it was warm and comforting. I turned it off and walked up the stairs and sat on the edge of the pool,I looked at the evening sun streaming in through the fish window,reflecting on the cover. I peeled it back a bit and slid into the warmth.Oh I loved this pool,so many incredible experiences in here. I let the water surround me and allowed myself to dissolve. In that twinkling of diamonds I found my truth. My breath came slowly,I felt light,my spirit soared,I was free to fly .

I had lost track of time and was in the darkness,safe in my watery cocoon. I climbed the stairs and reset the cover.I dried myself off,and walked back into the house and drank a large glass of water . Turned off the lights and groped my way upstairs.Found the light switch for the bathroom,turned it on and brushed my teeth. I looked a lot more relaxed and felt ready for bed.

The morning found me,ready to head out to Clara's and paying my dues. I was glad to have this,but somewhere in the back of my mind I felt a twinge,a small niggle....something tugging at me, pulling me into paranoia. I could not figure this out and let it go. I focussed on the work. I enjoyed putting in the base boards and caulking them, they were turning out great. I also began sorting out the windows and framing them. I was getting into this.
"Hi Ralph ! " I almost jumped out of my skin.and spun around.There stood Clara, she looked happy.
"Hi Clara,you scared me half to death !"
"Things are looking really great Ralph,do you have time to drink a beer?"
"Oh yes that sounds really good right now."
I walked behind Clara out of the house.
"Why don't you follow me......"
"OK"....I walked past Clara as she hopped into her  Highlander Hybrid and climbed into the dodge.I followed her a mile down the road to her house in town,She also owned a fabulous log cabin overlooking the North Fork of the White.The town house was an older building made of native rock and exceptionally well furnished.

We sat out on the patio and drank our beers.
"I want to thank you for doing a great job Ralph"
"No problem,Clara,I am grateful to have the work,this is a win win ..."

I drove home into the sunset,feeling better.As I floated down the gravel into the holler,the jungle was lush,the trees forming a tunnel.I came out into fading sunlight and turned into the driveway,there was Solly his tail wagging,someone was happy to see me. I parked the truck and hopped out and squatted on the ground,he loved having his belly rubbed,he smelled like a dog. I went into the house and checked the phone,it was blinking. I checked the message.
"Hey Ralph James here,I need you to come into the office tomorrow so that we can plan a strategy I hear from David her lawywer, that she is over the top with what she thinks she will get from you.Don't worry too much,I can handle Dave. Call me in the morning."  I hung up the phone,was this the niggle I felt ? What could she be up to now? I began to think of all the possibilities and then stopped myself...no. This is a waste of time,wait until you get to James in the morning and then find out what is going on.Ahh don't forget to call Clara. I pulled a pan out of the cabinet and began slicing potatoes,this was familiar,a little water and I was on my way to enjoying a hot dinner....


to be continued.....

We sat back easy,watching the flames.
Looked up at the milky way,so many stars.
Shadows of trees all around us,red wine in our hand.
The warmth flickering on our faces.
The dark embrace of the unknown.
Our hands reach out for intimate contact.
Our eyes smile and we know love.
Sinking deeper into our chairs,
Listening to the symphony.
It is full,it is busy.
This other side of light
This wonder we call night,

Laying on water,kicking my feet down and feeling the ripple run up the bed,to the top of my head. Then pushing down on my head to chase it back down to my feet,playing to increase the momentum. The small shockwave at the turn-around became stronger,shooting through the water in the pillow and sending a zing to my head.
 What a way to wake up. What to wear at the lawyers?

I began shaving.Then showered. Went downstairs to get the coffee started,back up to get dressed. Keep it simple,jeans,collared shirt,shoes,no socks,no belt...back down to the coffee. It was slightly eerie this morning,the fog/mist heavier than usual.
I started the truck,windshield wipers smeared dead bugs in a rainbow of muck,great. I stepped out and grabbed a nearby towel/rag and wet it under the tap. Wiped the window,it sparkled. I saw clearly that I could do that more often.

A few miles down the road the mist ended and I was meandering in sunlight. Town was almost busy. I parked outside the Victorian. It was a beautiful day. It was cool inside and the secretary moitioned me in.
"He is expecting you "
"Thanks "
The big oak door was slightly ajar,I pushed on it and went into James's office.
'Hey Ralph,take a seat !"
I sank back into deep leather,and then sat forward on the edge all ears.
James looked over at me with that lawyer look,
"Hey check this out and tell me what you want to do." he handed me some papers stapled together.
 I read that it was from Sara and her Lawyer,stating what Sara was claiming as financial rights,She wanted half of everything and then had also made up the values then divided it in half. These pieces of paper scared me.
James was reading my face,
"Even Dave had to laugh,he said he has never seen anything like it.Pretty funny,creative accounting..So lets make it real,talk to me ? "
"Well James,a lot of this stuff,especially the glass,I made years before I met Sara. The prices she put on them,shit I'd be a millionair,The others are part of the house right ?
"Right" said James,"The way I see this is,you want the house...you get it,and that includes everything in it. All the equipment it takes to maintain it. Which is everything there. So all we need is an appraisal, split the equity down the middle,keep it simple !"
There was that phrase again,"That sounds really good to me,what about all this?" I handed him the papers.
"I think we leave them in the file,that is some crazy shit man..English you say ?
"Yeah,but there's more to it than that !" James gave me another look,this one said .later.

Leaving the office I felt positive about how things might work out. It was in this moment that the niggle became apparent,it was about Sara. I realised that I felt sorry for her,I began to feel deep emotions coming up...I sped up and made it to the truck. Once inside I felt I could let this bubble . Such deep anguish,I felt her loss, this was what I thought,why I did not want the divorce,well amoung other things,she was going to loose a lot of money. I was going to inherit a major debt,neither of us were winning here. I started the truck and headed to Clara's and changed into work clothes.

I set up some saw horses and measured the door openings on the closits,they were much shorter than the doors. this meant I would have tocut down the doors, mill an insert for the bottoms. OK, set up the table saw,skill-saw,power cords,glue,nails..I liked this,in a way it was creative,yeah,I owed Clara.
 As much as I worked Sara drifted in and out of my mind. I was unhappy about the way this had all worked out. I knew that somehow I would be a target for gossip because of keeping the house,that niggle wiggled.
I had put so much of me into it,I might as well hang in there and see what happens,if I have to sell I will,not what I wanted but the the chips will fall where they will............




to be continued...................

The pink wisps in the grey sky,
Dew drops on the tall grass and the spider webs.
A closer cuddle and a sigh.
Almost time to get up,that decent cup awaits.
Mornings in the tent are bliss.
An enjoyable walk to the house.
T he sounds of water,birds and our footsteps.
As the warming sun comes over the trees,we arrive.

The infinity of it.
The mystery of it.
 The beauty of it..

It is me as I am it.
The way we are connected.

The way it heals.
The smell and taste.

The way it grows on me.

I immersed myself in Clara's house,and also worked on the land. When I came home,I fired up the weed eater and cleared trails,seeing all the subtle changes in the plant life,seeing new flowers,moving fallen twigs,noticing where the mushrooms grew. At the end of the week I recieved a call from James.....
"Hey Ralph, Sara will be in the office on Monday and we can wrap this mess up,give me a call.."
I felt a twinge in my gut,this was coming to a close,that finality had a feel to it. It felt like a dark hole,such an unknown,I had built this as a spa,a dream we had shared,and now what was going to happen ? I realised that it would be difficult for me to run this on my own. Most of the clients had been women and now that Sara was not here how many would come out here to be with a single man in the woods...It did not feel good,I was going to have to re-invent this. Some other time,right now it was about making the money to survive.

I drove into town on Monday, walked into James's office and waited, he came in smiling.
"You ready for this ?"
"I guess so,how do we look ?"
"Great,look you can just sot here,read a magazine,relax. I will be in the conference room with Sara,her brother in law and Dave...it's cool."
"Oh, I don't have to be in the room ?"
"No you don't, let me do my thing...OK ?"
"Great,I will be here..."   I just sat there looking around at the office,wondering what was going to happen,I wondered what Antony was going to say and how James was countering all the demands that Sara had. I saw a magazine on motorcycles and opened it, pictures of chopped Harleys took my mind.

James came into the office,
"OK here's the deal,....." he gave me some numbers, that basically were half the equity from the appraisal that Sara had recieved,which was lower that one which I had.
"What do you think ?" said James,he felt good,we had won this case.
"I think I want to use my appraisal,and give her some more money " James raised his eyebrows at me...
"Whatever you feel is right.."
"Yeah,lets do that !"
James left the office with the news,I felt better.I knew that Sara was taking a big financial hit,and was trying to the best I could..It was not much,really.

We sat in his office,I signed a stack of papers and we shook hands.
"How do you feel?" said James,looking at me, glee in his eyes and I could see he was very proud of his performance,which in lawyer terms had been outstanding,he had won the war for me.I know that Sara and Antony were highly disapointed,but the laws in Booger County were unusual and James had the knowledge.
"I feel good and sad,I think it will take a while for all this to sink in.....and I will have to make some serious choices for myself....thanks James,  "
He handed me a stack of papers,
"We will finish this up in the court at Ava,then you will home free,by the way when you do your taxes this year,file as single..!"

I took the papers and left the office,happy not to run into Sara and Antony. I spent the rest of the week working on Clara's house . On Friday night I came home and there was a message on the phone....I checked the message.

"Hi Ralph," said a familiar voice,"I was wondering if you would like some company ? Why don't you give me a call and maybe we could visit ?"
I put the phone down,sat down a took a breath. My heart was beating so hard in my chest I took a few deep breaths. I tried to unravel the flying thoughts then let them go in a mad rush of bliss,confusion,elation,disbelief,wonder,oh my God.....could this be real ? pinch me....





It was the begining of my finding Gaia,finding truth,finding love,finding pain and begining to blog about what was happening in my life......because it was magic.

Thanks to everyone who has comented and assisted. I am in gatitude for this piece of land that has nutured me and healed me. Thank you Chris ( B ) for being there and here, as our mystery unravels before us daily,revealing the beauty in our dance,which has become divine and brought spirit to our hearts. May we always love to look at each others eyes and see the joy deep within. May our journey reveal our truth, our love.....for you love,love...in the spirals of nature may we be held by the hand of God....